Dear Eric: When my only son and his wife got married and had children, I was informed that Christmas Day would be just for them to celebrate. I said ok.
For decades, I have given my son and his family (wife and two sons) very nice Christmas gifts. We’re talking hundreds of dollars. For a while, I would get a small gift, like a bottle of homemade vanilla, a can of rose-scented salve made by a friend of the wife, or a cup of coffee, or something like a gift from family. Same with my birthday. I have never received any presents from the grandchildren.
Last year, I let them know that I would no longer be “exchanging” gifts with the parents, but that the gifts to the grandchildren (who are now working teenagers) would continue. That year, I bought them electronics and sweatshirts. I haven’t received anything from anyone. Not even an acknowledgment from the children. I always had to deliver the gifts or call to see if they received them. This year, it will just be a Christmas card. Am I being overly sensitive?
– Half empty
Dear Panty: No, you’re not being overly sensitive. Each family has its own traditions and needs. And no one is obliged to give – or accept – a gift. But it sure makes me sad that your desire to make this holiday season special isn’t reciprocated.
Part of this may be a mismatch of expectations. You have given generously, in the hundreds of dollars. I’m curious if your son and daughter-in-law have different values or desires around the gift that aren’t expressed or heard. They should tell you clearly.
Similarly, when you decided to stop giving gifts to adults, I’m curious if your expectations were that your child would realize you weren’t getting what you wanted and make a change.
It’s worth talking about a little more, but try to focus on the desire behind the desire. I suspect what you want is connection, and maybe an invitation to family Christmas. It makes sense that you’d try to show your love from a distance through gifts, and it makes sense that you’d be hurt if it wasn’t reciprocated. But perhaps the tradition of gifts is getting in the way on both sides. If you would like to be invited or want to find an alternative way to celebrate and be together, this is a great gift to ask.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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