Dear Readers: Thank you for all your responses to “Letting Go is Hard to Do.” We have undeniably wonderful parents among our readers. Here are two of my favorite cards.
Dear Annie: This is in response to “Letting go is hard to do,” who was concerned about the decisions her daughter might make in college after seeing a dodgy bank transaction.
I am also the mother of a college student. We have had a joint account since my son was a senior in high school.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t let our joint checking accounts be a way of looking at his world. Trust me, it’s really hard not to look, especially when I’m transferring money into your account. If his expense information comes up, I look away and put my hand up so he can’t see it.
It’s a don’t-see-don’t-tell trust that I never told him I had in place. He is very independent, and if he had questioned things, he would have started to distrust me. There’s always a way for teenagers to get around obstacles; it’s called taking cash out of your account and spending it that way or buying a Visa gift card with the cash.
It’s easier as they get older not to look. I encourage you to think about why you should watch how he spends his money. My son was not an angel for four or five years. But now she trusts me, and when the really hard/big things come up, she comes to me for comfort and direction, and to ease her fears. Let go of the string a little more and when your bird flies, you will be rewarded with confidence and honesty.
—Money and trust
Dear Money and Trust: Thank you for sharing your experience. Your approach to managing your son’s finances while maintaining trust is commendable. It’s actually hard to provide support without overstepping the bounds, but it sounds like you’ve struck a healthy balance. Your advice on reconsidering the need to control spending is valuable, and insight into how to gain confidence over time is essential for parents in similar situations.
Dear Annie: I want to be as polite as I can in this response to the mother who is worried that her 18-year-old daughter is basically just being an 18-year-old in college.
With all due respect, Let it go, because you sound like a great mom and you seem to have a good bond with your daughter, maybe stop the “gift from God” talk, stop thinking about what your religion teaches about controlling the birth and just ask your child if he is okay and let him know you are there to talk.
She may not be as interested as you are in what God and the leaders of your religious community think about her sex life. Meanwhile, here on Earth, you are both humans who love each other. Lead with it.
Regarding sex addiction and so-called addictive behaviors, aka symptoms of a disease called addiction, which are not “behaviors” in an addict but compulsions, again, be honest. Talk about it face to face. Don’t downplay it if you’re really worried.
And if you’re not, let her live her life and keep your opinions to yourself. You can have a close, honest and real relationship or you can have a mixture of hope, denial and religious idealism. But the half-measure of trying to have both almost guarantees that the former will be lost, which would be a shame.
Keep your life between you and God, her life between you and her, and trust God to handle the rest. God is too busy caring for billions of souls to really care about birth control and sex toys. Take God’s lead.
—Also the father of a teenager
Dear parent of a teenager, too: Your simple advice emphasizes the importance of open communication and mutual respect between parents and their children. It is essential to approach sensitive topics with honesty and empathy, focusing on maintaining a real and genuine connection. Thank you for your honest and thoughtful perspective.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” it’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation, is available in paperback and e-book. visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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