Annie Lane is out this week. The following column was previously published in 2021.
Dear Annie: I am a single mother to my only daughter, who is now 29 years old. She moved from our hometown because she met her husband there, and now she has a son, my grandson, who is 1 and a half years old. She asked me when she first got pregnant if I would move to where they live to babysit them Monday through Friday. Long story short, I moved. I left all my friends and family behind, even though it’s only two hours away. And now she decided to have him in daycare, so I just babysit as needed.
It has been and is very hard for me to be in this new city. I don’t know anyone and I’m still single, having left my partner when I moved here. And it seems like the only time I see my grandson is when he needs me to babysit him.
He recently signed him up for kids soccer and I told him I wanted to go watch him play. Last Saturday they went, and he never asked me to join them. Her husband sometimes has to work on Saturdays, and it seems like he only invites me to things when he works and can’t attend. I feel a little hurt about it, but I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to start a big conversation.
I’m single and I’ve been living here for a year. I’m thinking of moving back to my hometown, but I’m torn about not being able to see my grandson as often.
My question is, do you think I’m being unreasonable to feel hurt because she doesn’t ask me to attend things when her husband is gone? Do I have to go back to my hometown, which is two hours away, so I can have a social life?
— Longing
Dear Nostalgia: It sounds like the scared first-time mom was the one who asked you to move into her neighborhood. Now that she’s in the groove of her parenting duties, she no longer needs the extra hands, which doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate you, but it does mean she’s worried about her immediate family.
Go back to your hometown and reconnect with your partner. Sitting by the phone waiting for invitations does not make for a full social life.
Dear Annie: My son’s father recently told me that he wants to do everything he can for our son, who is almost 4 years old. However, since our son was born, I have barely had any help. All he did was go to work in the morning and come home to play video games.
Our son used to go to his father to spend time with him only to be turned away and told “no” because his father was busy playing a game. So my son is a mama’s boy, which is fine with me.
I am now with someone else who sees my value and we have a baby girl coming on December 26th. We are also committed.
I’m not sure how I feel when my son’s father suddenly wants to be in our son’s life and claims he will do whatever it takes. You don’t choose when you want to be a parent. Any advice?
– Stressed mom from New York
Dear Stressed-out Mom: Yes, his paternal instincts are four years late, but for your child’s sake, better late than never.
He has already lost moments that will never return. But don’t let your resentment toward him prevent your son from ever meeting his father. An imperfect parent is better than an absent parent.
start small Invite your child’s father to dinner with your family once a week. If his commitment to your child is more than a phase, let go of the reins little by little.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” it’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation, is available in paperback and e-book. visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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