Dear Eric, I’m a woman in a new relationship with a fabulous man who doesn’t seem to understand a problem I’ve brought to his attention. I recently noted that when he looks at other women in front of me, I feel disrespected. He listened and said he understood completely.
I didn’t have the courage to take it a step further, which is ridiculous considering my age (58) and the fact that this “problem” will probably lead to the end of our relationship. He often engages with the most attractive woman around, often his daughter’s age, in a very friendly manner.
She doesn’t interact with any men that way, and I’ve definitely noticed her greater engagement with younger women. There’s a line between just nice and too nice, especially when there’s a pattern that seems to show a preference for attractive, younger women.
I feel like we punish people, especially women, who bring this up in a relationship and everyone is quick to judge the accuser as controlling, insecure and jealous. The root of my frustration is that I feel like I might be wrong and I’m paying more attention to his interactions with younger women.
– Uncertain
Dear Uncertan: Even if you feel that their flirtations are harmless, when you witness them you feel less valued. This is a vulnerable space to be in. It’s not ridiculous that it’s hard to fully articulate, so please be kind to yourself.
Feeling insecure is not your fault. Often, it is a warning sign of an unmet emotional or psychological need. Perhaps for you this need is to feel truly seen, appreciated and admired by your partner. So part of it is a growing advantage in your relationship.
Did he say he understood the problem when you brought it up, but did he find ways to modify his behavior or impact? This is a part of the conversation that you should review.
Part of that is about other women, but an equal part is the energy and attention he’s pouring into you. If you don’t feel love the way you want to feel it, defending it can’t control you. Since this is a new relationship, you are still learning about each other. Being able to communicate needs and boundaries, and honor them to our partners, is a basic element of successful love relationships.
Now, I’m not sure from your letter if his flirting is lewd. If so, you’ll want to re-evaluate whether this “fabulous” man is the right person for you.
Dear Eric: I have an awkward situation with a sweet friend. She never stops talking. We recently went to an event that was a 40 minute drive away. I wanted to chat, laugh and catch up. This is nowhere near what happened.
She talked endlessly about how she wished she had designed her pantry differently. He told me where all the appliances in his kitchen are plugged in and where all the cookware is stored.
She came up again and again. I couldn’t get a word in.
The drive home was the same drill. His rhetoric was full of the books he has read recently and included all the details of the book’s plots, characters and stories. It was absolutely boring, annoying and exhausting. I couldn’t wait to get rid of her.
As a fan of your column, I often wonder why writers asking for advice don’t just have a conversation about the topic at hand. Talk to your partner, child, boss, etc. Well, now I understand.
It is not as easy as it seems. I’m trying to figure out how to approach what is probably a neurotic personality problem. The last thing I want to do is crush his spirit. Thoughts?
– Calm down
Dear Quiet: Is it possible that your friend was as excited to meet you as you were to meet her? This excitement probably turned into an over-enthusiastic bombardment. There is no crime.
The next time you’re together, you might want to temper your expectations while being more assertive about cutting each other off. Chatty people often know they’re talkative and don’t flinch when someone calls into a conversation.
Here are some interjections that don’t crush the spirit:
“Hold that thought…”
“Can we slow down the conversation for a minute? I need to catch up.”
“That reminds me of a great story. Could you pause for a second so I can share it with you?
If this is a new personality trait, raise a flag in a text or format that curbs disruption. Frame it as a concern rather than a complaint. His talkativeness could, as you suggested, be related to a mental health challenge. But I would warn you not yet pathologies. Appearing annoying to one’s friends is not a diagnosis you will find in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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