Dear Abby: My husband is miserable. Five years ago, he was laid off from his job of more than 25 years, and the small problems he had with depression, alcohol and smoking have multiplied exponentially. He sleeps until 10 or 11 in the morning, only showers two or three times a week, rarely eats and has a drink in his hand by 4 or 5 in the afternoon every day. He now suffers from COPD but has no plans to quit smoking. Therapy would never be considered.
My husband has lost so much weight and muscle mass that he is barely recognizable. He seems to miss sex, but even if he moves on, his lack of physique would make it miserable. Anyway, I’m not interested anymore. He was never a caring person, but now he has poor personal hygiene, his breath smells like liquor, and his hands smell like tobacco.
Beyond the quiet misery at home, he finds it hard to get out. He has a hard time with stairs, walking long distances and even ordering in a restaurant. I feel like he is trying to hasten his own death. I honestly don’t think I can do anything I haven’t already done. I’m fine, but sleepy. Do you have any advice for me?
— Hopelessness in Kansas
Dear Hopeless: Your husband seems to feel that he has nothing to live for. You mentioned that he seems to miss sex, but now it’s so bad that you’re not interested anymore. Have you told him that the reason you are no longer interested in him is that he is no longer the person you fell in love with and that a giant step in the right direction would be for him to see his doctor about his depression? If the answer is no, consider offering him this “carrot”. If he is willing to try to get back on track, you may feel differently.
There are nicotine replacements for the truly addicted, which help users inhale fewer harmful byproducts. People with COPD can exercise with the help of supplemental oxygen, a topic that should also be discussed with their doctor. That being said, the bottom line is that your husband has to WANT to help himself. If it doesn’t, it may be time to locate the nearest Al-Anon group (al-anon.org/info) and attend some meetings, which will help you recognize that his self-destructive behavior is not your responsibility and that only he can help himself.
Dear Abby: A longtime friend is now a widow and no longer has time to connect. I have invited her to coffee and dinner and sent notes of support. She waits days, even weeks to respond and has other social things to do. I understand loss and grief, but this feels like “NO. Go away”, with a stiff arm. I guess it’s time to go. right?
— Unexpected in Indiana
Dear Unexpected: You may have been overwhelming this woman in your attempt to comfort her. Depending on how long ago she lost her husband, it may be best to take a step back and allow her to regain her balance. The more you push it, the further it will move away.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or POBox 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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