Dear Eric: For the last four years of my father’s life, I was a near-constant caregiver. He visited him daily, did his lawn work, took him to doctor’s appointments, to the barber, occasionally to dinner or a movie. I always took care of his finances and his medicines.
He would call me up to 10 or 15 times a day to talk about various things or just to talk.
After dying about a year ago, I have been overcome with guilt. There were times when his constant needs overtook my life. He had no social outlet of his own. I didn’t even travel because I was so worried about what would happen if I didn’t go.
I did not handle this pressure well and would occasionally lash out at my father in anger. A week before he died, I made him cry. Now I live every day with a regret that I can’t seem to shake. I visit his grave every week and ask for forgiveness.
I can tell that if I hadn’t been able to help her, she wouldn’t have been able to stay in her home, which she desperately wanted to do until the end. Others have commented on my sacrifices for my father. But I still feel like I was a bad child, and now it weighs on every aspect of my life. I have isolated myself in my guilt and pain. I don’t know what to do to find joy again.
– Still crying
Beloved still in mourning: My heart aches for you. There is no perfect caregiver; there is no perfect child; there is no perfect grief.
Over time, try to offer yourself forgiveness. Because it seems that even with the moments of frustration or tiredness, your father didn’t see you as a bad son. When faced with the uncontrollable, the illness of loved ones, our inability to stop death, we often focus on what we think we can control. But on your own, you did the best you could, and your father’s quality of life was better because of it.
If you can, work with a grief counselor to process these feelings. Keep talking to those you trust, who can listen without judgment and without trying to rush you. As Megan Devine writes in her book “It’s Okay to Be Not Okay,” “Unacknowledged and unheard pain doesn’t go away. The way to survive grief is to allow the pain to exist, not try to cover it up or run from it.” .
A grief support group will also be beneficial. Alliance of Family Caregivers (caregiver.org) is a place to find groups and other resources. Finally, I recommend the books “After Caregiving Ends” by Denise M. Brown and the new collection by narrator Vignette Fleury, “Sacred Love: Vignettes on Caregiving and Family”. This is not forever. I wish you peace
Dear Eric: I am a 72-year-old woman who lives alone. I live in a one-story, two-bedroom condo. The mortgage is paid. I have no family here. I am also divorced. I have cousins who live in another state, and I haven’t seen them in years. I’m the younger cousin.
So, I’m thinking about my end-of-life plans. I don’t have any serious health problems, but I’m not totally healthy. I have two friends who have been here for me for many years. However, I hesitate to ask one of them to be my power.
They want to help me make my end-of-life plans and decide what to do if I can no longer live alone. There is no one else I can ask to be my POA. Any advice you can give me would be appreciated.
— The hesitation of the plan
Dear Plan: If your friends have expressed a desire to help you, please accept them. One of the privileges of enduring friendship is that it allows us to see each other through the different stages of life. Your friends have been there for you in good times and in times of need, just as surely as you have been there for them. Think of it as another way you can all affirm your bond.
If you’re worried about it being an imposition, don’t be afraid to share this with your friends too. This is a vulnerable question and it’s okay to have complicated feelings about it. You might be surprised to find that they don’t consider it an imposition.
If you haven’t already, you may also want to talk to an attorney about what the power of attorney’s responsibilities might look like in your case. Based on your letter, it doesn’t sound like you need a POA at this point, so this would be more of a hypothetical or preliminary conversation. Thinking about the details of what you’re asking for can be easier.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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