Dear Annie: I have been best friends with a girl I grew up next door to for over 50 years. When I was about 12 years old, I remember coming home from his house upset about the way his father had treated him. He was always very cold and abrupt, and treated her as less than her older sister.
I confided in my parents about it, and they brushed it off. My parents, thinking I had left the room and was out of reach, started talking about it and I heard my dad say it was probably because this man wasn’t my friend’s real father. To his surprise, I immediately returned to the room and asked what this meant. They tried to back off, but I knew what I was hearing and wanted an explanation. They sat me down and told me I was not her biological father. They didn’t give me details because I was only 12, but they did make me promise never to say a word. I have kept this promise for 40 years, even after his parents died.
He recently informed me of his interest in his family tree and wanting to trace his ancestry through one of these DNA sites. Now I’m beside myself with guilt! I’m so afraid he’ll find out the truth. On the one hand, maybe she would explain her father’s behavior towards her, but on the other hand, how would she react if she told me if she found out? Would I admit that I’ve always known or just act like it was news to me too? Should I go ahead and tell him what I know? I certainly don’t want to lie to such an important person in my life, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. Since I became an adult, I have talked about it with my parents, who have told me how it all happened 54 years ago. Now I have all the information, but what do I do with it?
— Fighting
Dear Struggle: As a child, you were tasked with an impossible choice: either betray the trust of your parents or that of your best friend. More than 50 years later, you’re in the same lose-lose situation.
Honesty is usually the best policy, but in this case, it will only hurt her more and potentially ruin your friendship forever. Ultimately, the truth about your friend’s father was not yours to share with her. For whatever reason, she’s now curious about her family roots and seems ready to accept any information he holds for her. As hard as it is to keep up this charade, your friend will be even more broken if he finds out that both his family and his best friend have been lying to him all these years. Be prepared to support him through learning the truth. She will need it.
Dear Annie: The stressed-out senior who didn’t know what to study should consider going to a local college for two years. One of my daughters didn’t know what she wanted to do and it was a good choice for her. He didn’t have to declare a degree and just started taking general education classes. Because of the low price, I might try additional things.
He also lived at home and found a good job, so he was able to save money. One of the reasons for huge student debt is that people change careers a lot. If they earn an associate’s degree and transfer to a college, it will count as the first two years.
I’ve also heard of kids going to vocational school to learn a skill like welding. They find work immediately, and some make sophisticated sculptures in their spare time! Don’t discount community colleges! The skills they teach are trending strongly and cost much less than college.
– Other options
Dear Other Options: Some of you wrote in with tips for “Stress” with practical alternatives to a traditional four-year college. Things like vocational school or college are great options for those who want to learn a trade, save money, or just take a little extra time to figure out their way forward.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” it’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation, is available in paperback and e-book. visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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