My long-distance partner of almost 10 years is moving in with me in the next few months. This is the time I thought I wanted the most, but the closer it gets, the more nervous I get. I used to put up with behavior from people that I didn’t really like, but I kept the relationships in case something happened if I ended them. I am no longer a man.
Twenty years ago I left my husband and let go of many friends who I feel no longer give me what I need; who “I was a grateful people” – to do what I wanted to my detriment. I love my partner very much. He is a good, kind, caring person who worships me. But I’m so afraid that he’ll suddenly “go away” like I have others and I don’t want to be around to be stuck with someone alive. I know I sound dismissive of people. But I respected my space, my understanding and my needs. Finally my husband left. I don’t want my partner to leave either. How can I be at peace and not be afraid of him going forward? Yes, in so many ways.
Eleanor says: Suddenly “leaving” someone for reasons you don’t understand is different than letting someone take more from you than you’re willing to give and judging the relationship based on those reasons. What is your concern?
On the other hand, you might think that your people “going away” is a certain judgment – the relationship is not the right realization. If so, there is nothing to fear. If it happens, that is the correct judgment: the system is not correct, and it is better to know than not.
On the other hand, you should take care that your feeling of “getting away” is not someone-tracking; it’s more like an emotional reaction that once you’re set on it, you can’t go back, for reasons that don’t quite make sense.
If I hear you correctly, this is the second thing you are worried about: how can I make sure that I don’t snap at this person. in order not to deserve it. (Because if he deserved it, there would be no reason to fear a reaction).
You say that the history of men is pleasing to you. Sometimes those who can rarely feel us with others and lead to an all or nothing approach: because we feel the duty to change and change even the smallest relationships, we finally have to think that we can only sustain stability in solitude. . Small “break-ins” can quickly feel like the same old “use”.
If there is something that you are afraid of, it will help you to promise that you are working to discern it. to be I am consumed and feel like I should be without you. This is to distinguish between the one who expects you to give your space, and the one who expects something from you. One of them has a solution in the world (“I will leave this man”). The other has a solution within us (“I have permission to give myself the space that I am allowed to take”.
Traces of particular incidents can help to identify the difference between “this person is invading me” and “I feel invaded.” If you ever feel like he’s “gone” you, try not to let that feeling linger like an amorphous cloud of ick. The question is what made the moment special. Was there anything wrong he felt about that moment, where he was in the act, in your act, or in you?
It could also help to save the spaces and times that are just yours. Exercising alone in extra time, spontaneously doing something alone without it feeling like a lot, doing some exercise or loving the space that is just for you. This way it won’t feel like a significant retreat if you want space later.
Moving in together will be a big change. I’m sure you’ll find this weird at first. You can’t allow yourself to be closer to people without being less lonely – that’s just the math of society. The trick is, make sure that your relationships allow you ample space so that you don’t sacrifice yourself for someone else. Because you are too much in a relationship that includes your expectations of yourself.
* This question is published at length