Dear Eric: My wife and I got married two years ago. We were both widowed after long, happy marriages and feel blessed to have found each other.
When our first spouses died, they were each buried in different local cemeteries. In each case, the headstones include each surviving spouse’s name, year of birth, and of course no year of death (yet!). So when my wife and I die, we will be buried with our first spouses, without any reference to the second spouse. And yet, taking our names off the current headstones (actually bronze plaques, so it’s possible) and being buried together somewhere else doesn’t seem right either.
How can we recognize our current and former spouses in our final resting places? I just want my second, happy, marriage to be recognized as well as my first, happy, marriage.
– Thinking ahead
Dear Thought: It is a gift to those who will survive you that you are thinking about this now. Perhaps the easiest option is for you and your wife to redesign the plates to list both spouses. Therefore, the tombstone he will be buried on would list both of your marriages, as would the tombstone your wife would be buried on, if you choose not to be buried together. Even if you choose to be buried together elsewhere, this is an option available for your first spouses’ headstones.
Now, some may argue that you can’t be in two places, so why would it be your name? This has precedent, though. For example, the graves of some veterans buried at Arlington National Cemetery list spouses who are buried elsewhere. A headstone is a memorial that gives the family a place to visit and often helps historical researchers. Commemorating both of your marriages in this way honors the lives you lived and the people you loved.
Dear Eric: I have been in a job that I love and value for eight years. Two members of our small team were recently promoted to supervisors. I was one of the top three candidates, but not selected for any of the positions. The two who were selected are not as qualified, have less experience and no university education, etc. Also, I was doing the supervisor job while we were waiting for the hiring process to unfold.
This has killed my passion for what I do. There is the possibility of another promotion in the next three or four years, but I’m not sure I can do that much. Being asked to teach new supervisors how to do their jobs is overwhelming. Should I look for another job or keep it and hope for the best in three or four years?
– Disappointment at work
Dear Job Disappointment: Three years is a long time to feel undervalued. Start looking for another job. Even if you don’t decide to leave, it’s a good idea to get an idea of your worth at regular intervals.
Researching the market, conducting interviews and comparing salaries can help provide a new perspective and highlight opportunities for career growth. Also, giving yourself more options is an antidote to hopelessness.
If you love your job but are unhappy with the work environment, the worst thing you can do is let your company continue to sap your joy. You may find, after some searching and a few interviews, that you are actually happier in your current job. But you won’t know what’s possible if you don’t look.
Dear Eric: My mother-in-law “Rosie” always laments the fact that she never gets to see the great-grandchildren. They live in Arizona and travel to the Midwest during the summer and occasionally at Christmas. Rosie never comes when the kids are here and always has an excuse. “Oh, I have yoga. Gotta hang out with the girls. Gotta do my hair.”
They are usually here for two or three weeks. After returning home, he talks about not being able to see them. And if he sees them, he’s in and out after 10 or 15 minutes. I am so sick of your self pity. But when I point out that she might reschedule yoga or another activity, she gets defensive and indignant. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
—Caught in the middle
Dear Caught: Rosie seems to have a narrative she’s not interested in parting with. Maybe you have time management challenges; maybe she feels ignored in other parts of life and it’s coming out here. Be that as it may, based on his answer he is not looking for solutions.
Before your next visit, see if you can give Rosie the kids’ itinerary and ask her where she wants to book time. Being proactive may not stop complaints, but it does get you talking.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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