Dear Eric: I have been a friend of “Bill” for more than 25 years. When the fire started in the Pacific Palaisades, we had to evacuate our home. My wife and I went to a friend’s condominis for two nights, then to another couple’s house for four nights and then went to Bill and his wife’s guest house, which is separated from the main house.
We bought dinner for the four of a beautiful restaurant and tried to keep us out of our way as much as possible. (I should notice, they had welcomed another couple on the first nights after the fire before we arrived a few days later.)
Bill and I often go to sports events together. While I was with him for Super Bowl this year, he said to me, “You know, we didn’t like you to have done with us. We were upset -after the other couple had moved, but we felt obliged.” It struck me as we never had an argument in 25 years of friendship.
I did not say anything then, but from Super Bowl, I have not contacted him or communicated. My wife is very angry with them. (We sent them a gift package “thank you” one week after leaving. Fortunately, our house saved damage and returned to it.) Nor did we contact me, but sometimes we go for a while without calling us.
I really don’t want to end with such a long friendship. I am debating in saying -he was surprised, he was angry and he hurt his statements, or he said nothing and I see if he contacts me as if everything is “normal”. What do you think about it?
—Promoned Friendship
Dear friendship: Bill’s response is shouting. I just don’t imagine saying something like a friend like this. It is human to feel up to it when it extends thin or stressed, but everyone may agree that the fires were devastating and asked everyone to appear for each other and the region.
I understand the hard position in which you are. You’ve been good friends for a long time. Personally, I would not want to be around anyone who thought of me as an obligation while it was in a time of need. But you can extend the grace that did not extend you.
In an ideal world, he would apologize. But there seems to be other things with him and his wife, so he is unlikely to succeed. However, if you want to rescue the friendship, you can contact and say -you want to go ahead and wait for it to do so.
Ensure -you keep communicating with your wife while you are doing this. If Bill is so willing to treat -badly in the event of an emergency, there are other ways when friendship is not for you. You may see them and help you avoid them. It could also be done with Bill completely. But, if you wish, you can return to sports outings, to a casual conversation and any other part of the friendship that raises you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas to Eric@askingic.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, Pa 19110. Follow it on Instagram and register -in his weekly newsletter at Rerithomas.com.)
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