Dear Annie: I’m really struggling with how to manage my daughter’s relationship. It is in the early 1920’s and is smart, fun and ambitious. I’m so proud of her. But I can’t seem to get behind her boyfriend.
It is not unlikely, but it is … without purpose. It does not seem to be a constant job, it is emotionally (and sometimes economically), and it does not seem to have clear goals for the future. In the meantime, he works hard, finishes school and makes plans, and I worry about dragging it more than raising it.
I have tried to bring it gently, but she becomes defensive and insists that I do not understand. I have receded because I do not want to damage our relationship, but I see how it sold out and emphasized that it has become with him. She is not herself at present and this worries me more than anything.
I do not want to overcome or look like the mother who occurs, but I also do not want to see -give the heart and energy to someone who may not be able to return much. Is it okay to be honest with her? Or should I be quiet and I hope you explain it on your own?
– Try to maintain support
Dear trying to keep -Solidarity: It’s hard to see someone you love take options that you would not. But remember, this is your relationship to navigate. You have expressed your concerns gently and that’s enough for now.
What you need most is knowing that you will be there, without judgment, if and when you see things differently. Sometimes the best support is the calm presence, not persuasion.
Trust her to learn. Trust yourself to love it.
Dear Annie: Every Thanksgiving, my brother welcomes the holiday food in my house. It does most of the kitchen, which I appreciate, but every year we end up in the same strange war trailer on the thermostat.
As soon as the kitchen begins to burst, the heat comes off and the roof fan is lit. In the meantime, I am sitting there shaking in my house, with a sweater and a blanket as the guests try to pretend they do not freeze. He says it is too hot while cooking and needs the air to circulate, but it is reached at the point where I fear it, because it brushes or laughs as if it were dramatic.
I do not want to start fighting or do it unpleasant, especially because he is so much work, but I am tired of freezing -in my house on a day when I was supposed to feel warm and welcoming. How can I set a limit without converting Thanksgiving into a Cold War?
– refrigerated and frustrated
Dear refrigerated and frustrated: It is generous to open your home and your brother to cook, but hospitality should go in both ways. If you feel uncomfortable in your home, it is perfectly reasonable to say You know in advance that, while appreciating your effort, the thermostat must keep it at a level that keeps everyone, including comfortable. Suggest you dress in lighter clothes or make some breaks to cool off.
Thanksgiving must bring heat to the spirit, not to the cold goose.
“How can I forgive my partner partner?” It is outside now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, with preferred columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation, is available as paperback and electronic book. Call http://www.creatorspublishing.com For more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane to Dearannie@creators.com.
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