Dear Annie: I have been married to my second husband for 38 years. He is a good man and I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband and father to our daughter. We have had our ups and downs, but mostly it has been a gift of God.
What is the problem? He is often condescending and patronizing to me. It often interjures a trivial opinion or repeats something I just said to the conversations I have with someone else. He often “reminds me” of the simplest things, as if I’m too stupid to remember the smallest and basic details. When I answer with “I know”, he gets angry.
Annie, I am a smart and wise woman. Years ago, our counselor told me something during a session that I would like to have asked him to explain, but not. He said, “No matter who is smarter.” I have always wondered what the counselor meant with this statement (I have three degrees for the four years of my husband’s technical schooling).
I have asked my husband many times to stop treating me, but it only gets angry and continues to do it. This makes me so angry that I told him if he has no advice, I will divorce him. Also “it does little things for me” that I have not asked him to do it. An example is “helping -me in the kitchen”, which actually distracts me while I am cooking. He is often on the way and creates a mess.
These little things often bother me or irritate me because they do not provide me with any value. I have often asked him not to do these things, but he responds with an unworthy anger because I am “ungrateful”. I have tried to explain -to be condescending and do things that I do not need or I want me to believe unnecessary tension and arguments between us, but he does not listen. Life would be much better if I stopped doing these things, but I wouldn’t.
Why do you act like that and how can I do it? I have seriously thought of ending our marriage for that.
—Ponia ladera on wv
Dear Fed-up,
Your irritation is completely valid. The behavior of your husband, between underestimating your intelligence to ignore the simplest of the questions, shows a consistent contempt pattern.
I am sure your counselor meant that marriage should not be a competition. No matter who is “smarter” or “correct” in a particular situation; What is important is to have a safe space to speak freely and be seen, listened to and valued by your partner. I would imagine that your husband acts in this way of his own insecurity, but insecure because of what is not completely clear. What is clear is that it does not seem to matter how it makes you feel this behavior, nor does it want to change it.
After pointing to what bothering you, asking for it to stop, go to the therapy and giving -an ultimatum, you did everything you can, except to find out ways of not leaving you so much. Now you have to decide if this is really the tracker you said. Ask -you are worth leaving a man who describes as “God’s gift”?
“How can I forgive my partner partner?” It is outside now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, with preferred columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation, is available as paperback and electronic book. Call http://www.creatorspublishing.com For more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane to Dearannie@creators.com.
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