Dear Eric: I live with my partner of two years and their family (mother, younger siblings and mother’s boyfriend).
Yesterday, her mother confided in me that the abusive, domineering man my partner knows as her semi-estranged father, is not her biological father. My partner is not aware of it. I’m also not sure if anyone in his family knows. The man who helped conceive my partner has not been in the picture since before my partner was born.
While I can appreciate that my partner’s mother trusts me enough to confide in me, she didn’t want to know that information, and now that I do, I wish she didn’t. I’m not thinking of sharing this secret with my partner because it’s not mine to share, but I don’t feel right keeping it either.
I’m also worried about the possible consequences of telling him now or having it come out to someone else later (especially if my partner finds out that I knew but didn’t tell him). I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to damage our relationship or the already complicated relationship he has with his mother. I would love to hear your advice.
– It’s not my secret
Dear Secret: Your partner’s mother put you in a terrible situation. It was inappropriate and in order for you to move forward in any relationship with her, you need to address it.
Talk to her privately and share what you shared in your letter: You don’t feel comfortable keeping a secret from your partner, especially this secret. And for the sake of your relationship with your partner, you won’t.
Then ask him how he plans to talk to him about it.
Your position must be clear and firm. If you keep this a secret, it has the potential to irrevocably damage your relationship with your partner.
Maybe he didn’t feel like he had anyone else to talk to about this. You can be nice and loving, while making it clear that a line has been crossed and needs to be fixed together. Holding on to this secret also has the potential to create a toxic situation in your living environment if not addressed.
Find out when he plans to have the conversation. It should be soon. In the meantime, start thinking about how you will talk to your partner afterwards. It’s important to remind him that you’re there for him, that you’re sorry you found out before he did, and that you’re available to help process any conflicting feelings he has about it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.