Dear Abby: My sister, brother and I lost our mother to dementia six months ago. We had to start cleaning the house. My brother, who lives in an assisted living facility, was unable to help.
When I told my sister I was going to start cleaning the kitchen, she said she didn’t want me there alone. I told him that when a person offers to help, the polite thing to say is thank you. Well, he hasn’t spoken to me in the last five months. She and her husband have started cleaning the house on their own.
I know my sister has personality disorders. Her doctor told my mother this since the sister was a teenager. She won’t take my calls. I have apologized 100 times. what now
— Sad sister in Arizona
Dear Sad Sister: When someone with a personality disorder is also suffering from an emotional stressor such as grief, to put it mildly, they are not at their best.
Did your sister object to you going home because she was afraid you might take something without telling her? Did your mother leave a will outlining what she wanted you, your sister and brother to have when she died? What should be done with the house and its contents?
Since your sister won’t accept or return your calls, get a lawyer to guide you.
Dear Abby: We recently hosted an event at our house and a couple showed up an hour and a half early! I thought that was incredibly rude. Luckily I wasn’t in the shower or only partially dressed. I was in the middle of preparing food and cleaning the house, and too tired to say anything.
My partner entertained them while I finished preparing the party, but I had planned to use his help for some last minute tasks. These guests have also baptized our children despite our repeated polite corrections. How can we better set firm boundaries?
– Well to the south
Dear Boiling: One way to do this would be to tell these people (I hope they are not relatives) that you would rather they not come early because you are not ready to entertain them. If they ignore your request and show up again soon, DO NOT LET THEM in. As for them calling your kids nicknames despite you asking them to refrain, stop “asking”. Tell them it’s offensive and if it happens again you won’t invite them again.
Dear Readers: Today we remember the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred for the cause of civil rights. His words ring as true today as when he first uttered them: “Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon that cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who carries it. It’s a sword that heals.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or POBox 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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