Dear Annie: Three months ago, I came home from lunch and my wife had packed her closet and said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I’m bored and lonely, and I’m leaving.” .
We have been together for 33 years and married for 32. It was devastating to say the least. Since then, we’ve been spending time together going to the gym and having dinner. So he moved last week.
Then after a day I could tell she was uncomfortable. She said she felt it was still too early to move back in with me and she wasn’t in love with me yet and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to get married anymore.
We have never fought or argued about anything in our entire marriage. He didn’t say a word to me about this decision at the time. He will not be seeing a counselor with me at this time. She claims that she is the one who changed and that I am a wonderful man and a great husband, father and provider. What should I do to win back his love for me? I miss her so much!
– Emotionally devastated and depressed
Dear Devastated and Depressed: I am sorry that your wife gave up on your marriage without a single explanation. This must be incredibly confusing and hard to accept.
Unfortunately, things won’t get better if they don’t both of them of you are committed to fixing your marriage. If it’s not, it’s better to move on, easier said than done, but time heals all wounds.
Dear Annie: My husband is in prison. I don’t want to go into detail about why it’s there. It’s mostly for context. My mother-in-law has told me that leaving has affected her more than me because she is his mother and nothing will change that. I can throw him away like my husband, but she can’t throw him away like her son. But I’m navigating life without him, and it’s hard. I was pregnant with our second child when he was arrested. Our oldest son was 6 years old. We still talk, and we are not divorced.
How do I deal with what my mother-in-law says when she yells at me that this whole situation is worse for her? I didn’t know we were competing and frankly we’re both losing so I don’t know what he wants me to do. She insists that I always say it’s worse for me, but she never gives me an “For example” because I’ve never done it. That just tells me he doesn’t think I have any right to be affected by it.
My husband’s sister has also gotten on my nerves. She has been on meds for anxiety and depression since my husband went to jail, but she won’t go to a therapist, and it shows. No one thinks he has to because he has a master’s degree in psychology. She’s not a psychologist or anything. He has titles, but he won’t use them. Should I cut off contact with them?
– Family drama
Dear Family Drama: You are absolutely right. It’s not a competition between you and your mother-in-law—or anyone else in your family, for that matter—as to who is in more pain. The next time your mother-in-law goes down this road, acknowledge her feelings, but don’t feel like you have to diminish yours. If this continues, take the distance you need to protect your peace of mind and that of your children.
The same goes for your sister-in-law. You also can’t control how he chooses to deal with this situation, but you can set boundaries so that it doesn’t negatively affect you or your children.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” it’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation, is available in paperback and e-book. visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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