Dear Abby: I need advice on a new relationship. I am a 60 year old man. I got divorced last year and met a nice woman named “Eileen” soon after, and things seemed to be going well. When my ex found out I was seeing Eileen (they didn’t know each other) she decided to call Eileen and try to cause trouble by saying a lot of things that aren’t true. She got it.
I tried to save my marriage but was unsuccessful and was trying to move on and be happy again. There was no abuse or anything like that, but my ex said he wasn’t meeting her needs well enough, so she moved on. Now I feel like Eileen doesn’t fully trust me even though she still sees me.
I want to have an open and honest relationship because I care enough about Eileen that someday in the future I want to make her my wife. How can I regain the lost trust and restore our relationship? Things have definitely taken a big step back, and I’m disappointed and sad.
—Nervous in New Hampshire
Dear Nervous: You have done nothing wrong and should not “earn” Eileen’s trust. Have a one-on-one chat with Eileen. Tell her that you really care about her, but since your bitter ex-wife felt the need to talk to her woman-to-woman, you see that things may have changed between you. Ask if this is true, and if so, ask why. He needs to hear your side of the story to counter what your ex said. However, if she does in fact no longer trust you, you may need to find another friend.
Dear Abby: I have been dating the most wonderful man I have ever met for over a year now, and we are planning to get married. One of the things we’ve bonded over is that we both want a multi-generational home. My boyfriend’s parents (who are in their 70s) have been living with him for the past two years, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
As our wedding gets closer, I’m getting more and more anxious about the logistics of living with her parents. I like to have minimal possessions, while they are borderline hoarders. My boyfriend knows I’m worried about this and is willing to talk about the situation, but he also takes the position that he and his family are a package deal. I love her, but I don’t think I can count on 20 years of a messy house. what should i do
— Worried about the mess
Dear Concerned: I’m glad your boyfriend is willing to talk about it, but what is he willing to DO about it? Your (and your parents’) lifestyles are very different. They feel safer having all their possessions around. At their age, they are not likely to change.
The place to have a real session would be in the office of a licensed family counselor to see if mediation is possible. But frankly, since they’re a pack, as all multi-generational households are, it might be better to find someone to marry other than the three of them.
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