Dear Eric: I am planning a trip next year to the other side of the country. The purpose of my trip is twofold: to spend time with an elderly relative and to travel to a nearby big city for a few days to connect with friends and see the sights.
I have several relatives who live in the area and I am making plans to see them all. However, one family member seems to think that he will accompany me for the entire trip, including in that big city, because “we don’t see each other enough.”
This is true; we don’t, as they moved to this area of the country decades ago. But it is also irrelevant; I’m not looking for a travel companion. Any ideas on how I can send this message without causing harm?
– Solo visitor
Dear Solo: In my book, the best way to communicate is also the best way to fly across the country: direct. It is not unpleasant to tell your family member that you have a full schedule and expect to see many different people, some of whom the family member does not know, so you plan to travel alone. Be direct when saying “See you at [X] place i [X] time and then I go to the next stop on my itinerary” helps you make your expectations and your capacity clear.
Now, what if your family member ignores this and says “I don’t mind hanging out at the hotel while you see your friends” or something like that? Then you have to be even more clear.
“No, that won’t work. I really want to see you a [X] place, but I’m going to do the rest of the trip alone.” If you want, you can offer an alternate time for the two of you to spend more time together. But that’s not what you planned, and it’s not your responsibility to handle it at this time. trip Your relative may be letting their enthusiasm get the best of them, but if they feel hurt by your schedule, it’s not something you caused.
Dear Eric: There is an important issue that you did not address in the response to “Silent Partner” whose fiance had an ex-wife who was still trying to control him and even sent a $1,000 “gift”. The writer states that his partner “is choosing to ignore it and believes that any response would further fuel his behavior.” It is very likely that he is right. The fact that the ex-wife has a history of mental and physical abuse may mean that the only way to deal with this behavior is “no contact”. With some personality disorders, any response to their words or actions makes them think they still have power over you. It is a dangerous and endless game.
– been there
Dear Been There: Thanks for this insight. I hadn’t sufficiently considered the very likely possibility that there was a personality disorder at play here. The letter writer and her fiance should have better discussions about how the letter writer feels, but it would be wise for the fiance to remain detached from the ex.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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