Dear Eric: I have been friends with “Steven” for 40 years. We’ve dabbled in romance a few times when we were both single, but always come back to the platonic comfort zone. We live in separate states and haven’t seen each other in 15 years. We talk on the phone about once a month, and I’m happy with that.
Steven, however, continues to push for a reunion. He has even offered to pick up the entire tab on a mini vacation. Fifteen years is a long time, and I’ve had some injuries and illnesses that have aged me. Taking medications that cause weight gain. I’m actually 100 pounds heavier now than when Steven saw me 15 years ago and I’m embarrassed that he sees me like this.
In conversation I mentioned that I have put on a lot of weight and that I walk with a limp, etc. He doesn’t bring it up, he keeps trying to meet with me and I keep making excuses. I’m afraid he’ll decide to come visit me so I can’t get away. What can I say to make Steven understand that I really don’t want him to see me without insulting him or destroying our friendship?
– Hiding the truth
Dear Truth: Steven may be interpreting your protests as insecurity, and through his insistence, he may think he is supporting you. A kind sentiment, but one you don’t have to accept if you really don’t want to see it. It’s hard to feel secure in a friendship if you’re always afraid he’ll show up uninvited. Being more clear and firm about your boundary can be helpful here. No need to make excuses or argue with him. Telling him, “I appreciate you and look forward to our phone calls, but I don’t want to go. I know it’s something you want, but as my friend can you respect my wishes? It will be revealing.
If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, he’s not the good friend he thinks he is. And a friend who can’t or won’t respect a boundary is already working to destroy the friendship.
Regardless of what Steven wants, I want to emphasize how important your comfort and feelings of self-worth are. You may already know this, but it bears repeating that you are no less valuable as a friend or person because your body looks and functions differently. If you can, talk to a counselor or support group that focuses on body image and body acceptance. Make sure the group’s values align with your own; some may be more interested in changing you than helping you remove shame. Do it for yourself, not for Steven, because you are worth it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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