Dear Annie: I have been married for more than 25 years and, from the outside, it probably seems to have a stable life. We raised children together; We pay the invoices; We attend family functions. But on the walls of our house, I feel painfully alone.
My husband and I barely talk, unless it is schedules, orders or something that has to do with the house. There is no affection, no actual conversation and there is no doubt no privacy. I have tried to raise -many times, and he is out, he tells me that I am too excited, or simply sits in silence as if I expected me to stop talking. It is as if it had been reviewed years ago and is only going through the motions.
I am not looking for fireworks or great gestures; I just want to feel that we are again members. I want to feel -mey. I have even wondered if it would be better to live alone and be alone than to live with someone who barely realizes me.
So how long do marriages spend? Is there any way to reconnect when a person looks so far? Or am I clinging to something that will not return?
—Yment in my house
Dear Solo: You are not alone to hear -so. Many long -term marriages go through disconnection stations, especially after children are grown and life is installed in routine. That said, just because something is common does not mean that it is acceptable to feel invisible in your own relationship.
Marriage must be more than shared tasks and quiet meals. It should be a place where you feel seen, valued and emotionally safe. When communication dries and affection disappears, it creates a slow and painful type of loneliness that can be worse than being alone.
You have already tried to talk to your husband, and it seems that he does not want or cannot participate. This is frustrating and explanatory. If you will not come to the table, you may have to take the first step towards change looking for support for yourself. A good therapist can help you solve your feelings, clarify what you need and decide what you are willing to live with.
Sometimes a change in one partner can arouse something in the other. Sometimes it does not. But no one should spend years living in silence and calling it love.
You deserve the connection. You deserve to feel that your life is shared, not only one side, but from heart to heart. Begins by re -connecting with yourself. From here, the next steps will make it clearer.
“How can I forgive my partner partner?” It is outside now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, with preferred columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation, is available as paperback and electronic book. Call http://www.creatorspublishing.com For more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane to Dearannie@creators.com.
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