Dear Eric: I am part of a group that meets regularly to participate in a hobby. These meetings have been a great refuge for me. We have pleasant and interesting conversations and a great relationship. A friend, “Rose”, has begun to include her daughter “Tracy” in some of these meetings, which has changed the dynamic group and, frankly, made things no longer fun.
Tracy is immature for her age (early 1920’s), she is very negative and critical, and she is often interrupted to direct conversations to herself, among other rude behaviors. Rose is never addressed to Poor Tracy ways.
I feel for Tracy, because he has no job or he seems to have his own friends, but he is adult and these are his choices. I am usually an inclusive person, but I have reached a rupture point on Tracy. I could speak directly (and kindly) to Tracy when he is disturbing or talking to Rose why he does not correct his daughter’s bad behavior.
But Rose has publicly launched things in the face in the past, so I can’t imagine what would happen if I called his daughter before him or suggest that his daughter had no mistreatment. I could take away from the events that Tracy will attend, but it would be uncomfortable to ask -Rose in advance if Tracy goes, say that I can’t go. I appreciate these friends and I want to continue to find -with them, but I cannot think of a good solution to this situation.
—Aint group
Dear Group: It seems that Rose and Tracy have difficult aspects for their personalities. Perhaps they are both related to mental health conditions or neurodivergence, maybe not. But Rose is likely to bring Tracy as a way to help your daughter browse social challenges. Therefore, you may feel differently if you apply another standard to Tracy. Entering your meetings with the thought that “Tracy is doing the best and Rose is doing what she thinks is better”, puts you in a different mindset than the thought that “the bad ways of Tracy ruin my time.” It also allows you to have a conversation with Rose that is not focused on punishing, but to meet the needs of everyone, yours and Tracy included.
I don’t want to put everything. I recognize the frustration you feel. But we are often the only ones we can change. Accept that this is what Rose has chosen to do will help you to let go of what you expect from the group and work with what it is.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas to Eric@askingic.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, Pa 19110. Follow it on Instagram and register -in his weekly newsletter at Rerithomas.com.)
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