Dear Annie: I often read letters in your column of people, usually parents, often mothers, who say they have been cut off by adult children, sometimes by something that seems less, as a diverted Facebook publication. As a 70-year-old who has seen this dynamic game many times, I can’t help but ask myself: Are we always receiving the full story?
In my experience, accommodation is rarely as unilateral as it is portrayed. Although the cut is really unfair sometimes, it is more often the result of years of injuries, violations of unresolved boundaries or conflicts that the letters writer may not recognize. I have met people who see themselves victims, when they really caused great pain to others.
My question is: How, as a tip columnist, weighing the probability that there is more story than what is shared? And do you ever think it is important to remind the writers of letters – and readers – that repair can require a deeper look at their own role in accommodation?
—He to the other side
Dear asking -vos: Propose a wise and necessary point.
I agree: there are always two parts in each story and, in my experience, the truth is usually living somewhere in the center. Abroad is rarely a single Facebook post or bad comment; More often, it is the last straw in a pile of unpleasant damage, unresolved stresses or repeated limit violations.
When I respond to the letters, I do it with the understanding that I listen to the version of a person’s events. Sometimes it is clear that they omit a lot. Other times, they may not be aware of how their words or actions have affected others.
That is why I often urge card writers to look inward, to honestly reflect and to seek to look for professional guidelines to better understand what happened wrong, really bad. Healing does not come from rewriting the past to feel better. Begins by having your part.
Thank you for the reflective reminder that accountability is as important as empathy in these situations.
Dear Annie: I realized that some of my friends and I seem to have very different preferences when it comes to communication, especially around text messages versus telephone calls. As an adult with ADHD, I find it much easier to send text messages. Telephone conversations can be overwhelming; People often speak too slowly for my fast brain and I struggle not to interrupt. Text messages allow me to process at my rhythm, multitasking while I wait for an answer and retain social energy when I feel drained.
I also wonder if some people who avoid telephone calls may face hearing loss or other challenges that hinder verbal conversations. For those who find it hard writing, I have discovered that the voicemail function can be a useful bridge; It takes a bit to get used to it, but it really facilitates communication.
Here is my question: How can you find friends with very different communication styles find a respectful medium terrain, especially when a person thrives on telephone calls and the other finds them exhausting?
—Pain in the text, not talk
Dear prefer to send text messages: Many people prefer to send text messages for all the reasons you mentioned. However, the key is to find a commitment. Let your friends know that text messages help you to keep you connected without feeling overwhelmed. And if they really need a call from time to time, maybe schedule -so that you are ready. Good friendships are not based on the method of communication; They are based on mutual respect.
“How can I forgive my partner partner?” It is outside now! Annie Lane’s second anthology, with preferred columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation, is available as paperback and electronic book. Call http://www.creatorspublishing.com For more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane to Dearannie@creators.com.
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