Dear Annie: How can I reach a brother who can’t order him to come to be caregiver for our mother in poor condition?
The mother is almost 92 years old and recovers at once. She has affected her vision, so there are many daily things that she cannot do for herself. No longer drives; Her poor motor skills do not allow her to cook or handle hot items in a stove, or shower -neither shed.
My brothers and I agree that my mother must be assisted to live with a nursing care, but a brother insists on taking care of the same mother. Everything is OK, but now he realizes that he has become heavy and cannot have his own life, see his friends or take care of his own house. We all live several states away from the mother, so the caregiver sister is fortunate enough to be able to work remotely and live with her mother. A home health assistant comes twice a week to help -with the daily shower and housework. As I am retired, the sister thinks she can only take her fingers and relieve it for a month or more at a time. I have no problem visiting the mother but her level of attention is something I am not comfortable with.
Each time the theme of assisted life appears, the sister has a different reason why she is against. First, it was because assisted life facilities are not “pleasant places and hire subpained people”. Then it was that assisted life is OK, but he does not want to do it against the will of the mother. (Mom has told her that she want to go.
The list continues and there is a different reason each time. Although the rest of the brothers are grateful that the sister intervened to take care of the mother (leading to the doctor’s appointments, getting her groceries and preparing meals), we knew she would end up. We are all married to our own families and houses, and we live in other states, but the sister is single and believes that it is no longer their turn. Yes, he should be able to go on vacation, go to review his house and return his life. I could do it all if he would only grant the mother to live. Mom has the funds to provide her care. But the sister just thinks she can do it better.
Thoughts on how to solve this?
—Pruging by consensus
Dear struggles: To deal with the decline of parents’ health can be an incredibly emotional experience. Your sister assumed enormous responsibility and seems to have touched her break -up point, not wanting to admit.
Its resistance to assisted life has more to do with emotions – director, fear, sadness – than rational decision -making.
As your mother has stated that she wants to enter the assisted life, the best thing you can do is take action. Start investigating facilities with which you feel comfortable and tell your sister that the decision is ultimately with your mother.
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