Dear Eric: I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. After my last trip to see his family (where one of his siblings had a thawing/cursed in the hotel lobby), I said he was ending up spending thousands of dollars to travel to people who clearly did not appreciate it. Agreed. For the past five years she flies to see her family alone. I have been home with the puppy with happy strength.
One of his semesters is to marry. The husband would like to renegotiate our previous agreement, as he says he needs support even that he is around his own family for this occasion “cannot miss”. During the last two decades, these in -laws have been horrible towards me to be simply an outsider.
We both have complicated family history and we have individual therapists. I want to support my partner, but not to the detriment of my own mental health. Literally, I had to ask if security would be present because of all the bad blood in the same room (bad blood there was before coming). I am annoyed by the thought of having to be around these people. I want to be a good couple, but I also realize that this trip will be beyond miserable for me. How can I make me happy and all the others? Or do I have a husband problem?
—Pu left -me or should go –
Dear Go: Brief answers: stay home; The husband has a family problem, which is not yours to solve.
I am curious why it makes this trip so different that you feel you need you there. It is worth talking about -if there is no other reason than the context. You may not want/need either. But this is his decision to make, knowing that the fall can be worse than the visit.
Talk to him about what he expects will happen and how he can get what he needs without your assistance. This may seem to stay somewhere else, even if the family does not want it to do it or fly only for the day of the event. Help you think through ways to feel -despite the toxic dynamics.
Sometimes being a good partner means putting a formal dress and taking your teeth through caustic toast. But at other times, the most supportive thing is to help the spouse discover ways to help and return home as happy as possible.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas to Eric@askingic.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, Pa 19110. Follow it on Instagram and register -in his weekly newsletter at Rerithomas.com.)
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