Dear Eric: When I hear of a death in the family of someone I know, I send a condolence card. I was grateful for the many cards I received when my husband died, and a kind friend made a donation to a charity we support.
But when my mother died two years ago after a long incurable illness, I only received a card from a friend and only a few verbal acknowledgments where I work.
I’ve seen thank you emails from other employees for the gifts and flowers they received from the company for births and minor illnesses, but I feel hurt and ungrateful that I didn’t even get a condolence card.
It seems that in this workplace we do not recognize death; Are flowers or a small donation to the charity we mentioned in Mom’s obituary, or even just a tangible sympathy card, too much to expect from the employer? I haven’t expressed my disappointment to my management team, but I still feel hurt and think about quitting. Are my expectations unrealistic?
—Unrecognized grief
Dear Dolor: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and your husband. Grief is hard enough to navigate on its own; worse when you feel like no one is watching.
You write that you just got a card from a friend, so I’m curious if your feelings about the lack of recognition at your workplace are being fueled by a more amorphous pain around the lack of recognition at your group of friends
In other words, grief clings to what is available. Both insults can hurt, but going into the office every day and thinking about what you wish had happened can put it off the top of your mind. Your expectations are not unrealistic: we are human, even when we are stuck, and we need to show empathy and kindness.
But instead of quitting, consider talking about your feelings in grief counseling or a grief support group.
When you’re ready, consider talking to your management team about how the workplace can better support other bereaved employees in the future. They can’t fix what they didn’t do for you, but if you have the ability, you can help change the culture of others.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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