Dear Eric: Our friends, who live on the other side of the country, have a daughter who attends the last university in the same city where we live. It’s not unusual for the daughter to spend a holiday like Thanksgiving or the occasional weekend. , with us
Occasionally, she brings her boyfriend, whose company we also enjoy. Her mother recently texted us and told us not to allow her daughter to bring her boyfriend over to our house on the weekends.
The wording was, in fact, “Do not allow [name of daughter] bring her boyfriend to stay with you; we’re against it.” Um…this daughter is a legal adult, and my husband and I have absolutely no intention of giving in to her mother’s demands. We just need a way to tell her mom let him go because honestly who we entertain at home is none of his business I’m sure he’ll ask again.
– Open day
Dear House: Oh, you’re going to want to stay as far away as possible. The most convenient way is to tell your friend “this is between you and your daughter. You two should work it out.”
Friends of a person’s parents can act as surrogate parental figures throughout life, but it goes beyond that. There is already a conflict brewing between your friends and their daughter, a conflict that they have not been able to successfully communicate about.
It is unlikely that either side will not know where the other is. Bringing you to their standstill won’t change anything.
You are right, parents would be wise to stop trying to control their adult daughter in this way. Likewise, the adult daughter should have told you more about the disagreement with her parents, if only to avoid creating strain on your friendship with her parents. But if you don’t have a problem with two adult guests sleeping in your house, there’s not much else to talk about. sleep well
Dear Eric: My younger sister and I are only a year and a half apart, but our relationship has been a constant cycle of fights and arguments our entire lives.
My sister has a negative attitude about life that has unfortunately been validated by a devastating loss. I, on the other hand, had a pretty subdued life until our elderly mother had a stroke, making me completely dependent on my husband and me financially, physically and emotionally for 15 years. It was the most difficult time I ever experienced, although I was grateful that I was able to do it.
My sister and her husband did not offer us any help the whole time. Two years ago, my sister suffered a stroke that left her unable to care for herself. She and her inept husband expect me to provide the same care as I did for our mother.
I resent the expectation, but I feel compelled to help. I am 80 years old, I still have health and energy, but I don’t know how much time I have left on this earth. I don’t want to spend it taking care of my sister, especially when she has a husband and grown son who seem to think that my life and efforts should be sacrificed for her.
I have found caregivers for her, but when that doesn’t work, they look to fill the void. I am sad, angry and torn. I don’t know how to limit my care for her without feeling intense guilt. what can i do
– Surrounded by guilt
Guilt-ridden loved ones: As you point out, providing care for a loved one involves a constellation of resources: money, emotion, time, logistics, and physical capacity. While it may be global, the cure is not everything or nothing.
So try to think of the care you’re already providing your sister—finding extra support, providing emotional support, navigating family dynamics—as a complete offering rather than an incomplete one.
Guilt is telling you that you should be superhuman, all the while bringing down the hard feelings that still linger from your complicated relationship. Guilt lies to you because it is rooted in the desire to fix the unfixable. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.
A conversation with your sister where you can try to heal some of the hurts, resentments and hurts from the past will help a lot here. Separately, you should have a very tough love talk with her husband and son. They don’t tell you what is expected of you. They cannot neglect their loved one while you struggle under the weight of responsibility. If they don’t have the tools or skills, I’m sure you can point them to resources because you had to find them yourself. It’s time for them to step up.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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