Dear Abby: I have been an amateur astronomer for over 25 years. I always go meteor watching and I also watch any celestial event. This year I invited my brother-in-law and his wife to watch a meteor shower with my husband and I. Since we both have campers, I reserved and paid the deposit for two campsites in a nice location near some of the best night skies. Reservations were made more than a month ago.
My sister-in-law, whom I love very much and have been good friends with for over 20 years, called me yesterday to inform me that my BIL had invited three of her pre-teen granddaughters. Abby, I thought they understood that this would be an adult event since we would be up half the night and travel 30 minutes to get to the dark sky site. I do it every year.
I told my SIL that my BIL should have asked me first since I invited them and made all the arrangements for this event. We talked on the phone for 90 minutes before I told him that my BIL was wrong for not asking me first if I was okay.
Moments after I hung up, he texted me and said to cancel his reservation because they wouldn’t be attending. We are driving 90 miles to this campground. They live 30 minutes away. Was I wrong to tell her that they should have asked me first since I am the hostess for two days and two nights?
— Starry eyes in the West
Dear Starry-Eyed: Your brother-in-law should not have invited anyone without first clearing it with you. What they did may have been well-intentioned, but it was also rude. If any of these girls show an interest in astronomy, in the future, you can choose to invite her to this type of event. But his presence should not have been given to you as it was.
Dear Abby: I have been married for almost 20 years. My mother-in-law has always been passive-aggressive, critical and meddlesome with our business. My husband never told her to stop because he could never stand up to her. Unfortunately, I didn’t defend myself either. I finally had it and cut it to some extent.
My husband says he supports me but has never shown it. Now he often talks to her outside the house and lies to me about it. Since confronting her, she has also withdrawn emotionally from me, something she was barely able to do before. She still meddles in every part of his life and makes speeches to him like he’s still her little son.
I am done with this unhealthy dynamic. I insisted on therapy but I haven’t seen any change in him. He only goes because I force him. Do you have any advice?
– Burnt in New York
Dear Burned Out: I agree that the dynamic you described is not healthy. It sounds like your husband is more attached to his mother than he is to you. Don’t do anything on impulse or out of anger. If you’re really burned out, keep talking to your therapist to help you decide how to move forward.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or POBox 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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