Dear Eric: I am a gay man and I have been with my husband for many years, I have been married to six of them. Every time a problem comes up, whether it’s the owner knocking on the door or someone else, he comes running to me to deal with it and I’m sick of it. I pay all the bills every month. I work full time as does my husband and have told him numerous times to be a man and start dealing with it as I want a husband not a wife. But he doesn’t listen. It’s exhausting. what can i do
— Tired husband
Dear Husband: First, let’s unpack the phrase “I want a husband, not a wife.” I’m not trying to attack you; I just want to point out something that will hopefully help you. As you have used it, the phrase has sexist connotations because it strongly suggests that a woman in a marriage is helpless or needy or any of the negative traits you see in your husband. This is not true. Anyone can become overly dependent on a partner, and anyone can step up.
This is a great example of how sexism hurts everyone. Even though there’s no woman in your relationship, stereotypes about gender and gender roles prevent you both from figuring out what’s not working.
Telling him to “be a man” misses the point, so see if other ways of explaining the problem work better. Try telling him, “I feel overwhelmed; I need you to step up for me” or “I feel like I’m doing too much work at home and I need some support” can open up a conversation in a new way.
What this entails is vulnerability. And that can be difficult. The upside is that your husband sees you as a stable force that can solve any problem. But it sounds like you don’t want to have to solve all the problems. It’s easy to get stuck in ruts, even when we change or our needs change.
There’s a card game called Fair Play (fairplaylife.com) that has helped many couples redistribute housework and listen to each other’s requests without getting defensive. Try it at a time when neither of you are feeling full and see if it helps clear the air.
Dear Eric: This refers to “Concerned about the Future”), the mother concerned about the financial well-being of her mentally and physically disabled son after his death. Federal accounts, similar to 529 plans, are now available for these individuals. An ABLE (Achieving Better Life Experience) plan allows the mother or anyone to contribute up to $18,000 per year to this plan.
You can access this account with a debit card for medical and personal living expenses. Any plan balance below $100,000 does not affect Supplemental Security Income, and less than $235,000 to $596,925, depending on the state, does not affect Social Security, SDI, or federal housing benefits.
The mother can create a special needs trust to be funded now or upon her death, which will fund the ABLE plan annually throughout the child’s life and give the child independence and financial stability.
– Parent of a disabled adult
Dear Father: Thank you for this insight. Some readers wrote about ABLE plans as an option available to the letter writer. I hope you will research what is available in your state and discuss this path with a real estate attorney, financial advisor or other qualified professional with knowledge of your situation. The National ABLE Plan Resource Center (ablenrc.org), run by the National Institute on Disability, also has a wealth of information. One of the things I liked most about the site is the ability to review rates, FDIC insured status and other factors for each plan.
Dear Eric: I think you were too kind to the woman who said she was “unusually hurt” because her spouse streamed a series while she slept and “really got you” even after he asked apologies (“Tuned Out”). You could have told him to save his letter, read it again in 10 years, and if he laughs at his long-ago wound, it means he’s gained some perspective. If, 10 years later, he still thinks he was right, I’d bet it would be long after the divorce.
-Retrospective
Dear Hindsight: Many problems look different with time, space and new context. My hope is that many people who write in the column will re-read their letters 10 years from now and feel differently. But this was a young couple who don’t yet have the benefit of time to help them resolve their differences. With each letter, I want to know them where they are so they can get to the next place.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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