Dear Eric: I have always been close to my only siblings, my twin sister (67) and our brother (72). But the sister and brother have been having a lot of trouble over the past few years and the brother decides to distance himself from her. I feel like I’ve always been the matriarch and arbiter of the family.
The brother is now in a nursing home with virtually no funds to speak of. Her daughter and I organized the move, a very stressful time for all of us. There was little help from my sister. We had amicably and firmly agreed several years ago to share some costs related to our brother. It should be noted that the expected funds are a few hundred dollars per month, not thousands, and my sister can afford it.
She insists that our brother is not her responsibility. She says she can be on the street, or it should be her daughter’s responsibility.
Our brother’s daughter cannot afford to help financially. My husband and I now take care of my brother financially. My sister adamantly refuses to help. Also, he gets mad at me when I explain how disappointed I am that he did this.
While I appreciate that she is single and careful with her money, she agreed to help out financially in some way. I am keeping the peace for the sake of the family, and my husband is a true and generous gem, but my sister’s continued lack of help is causing a real tear. Your help is welcome.
– Torn twin
Dear Twin: Your sister may think she is solving her conflict with your brother through revenge, which is not a very effective way of resolving family conflicts, but the person she is hurting is you. It’s not fair.
Being the family referee is a thankless job; the pay is lousy. It is also a position that many people should give up. Ask yourself how much of your conflict with your sister is about sharing the financial strain and how much is about trying to hold a fractured family together.
Your brother and sister have made it clear that they don’t want to be involved with each other, so you may want to work on accepting that the family you want isn’t the family you have. If you can accept that, you might be freer to nurture separate relationships with them.
It is important for you to take care of your brother. Try to reframe it as a choice you actively make, rather than one your sister forgets. These circumstances are the result of your sister’s actions, yes, but they are also the result of your brother’s life circumstances and his choices. Now you and your husband are making the decision to commit to him.
It’s worth talking to your sister again that her actions have affected you and that, even if she won’t change, she needs to acknowledge that. She can be angry if she wants to; this is not your problem to solve. Is it really keeping the peace in the family if you’re walking around feeling agitated? Better to be able to say: “This is not how I wanted it to go, but for the sake of our relationship, I want to move on.”
Dear Eric: I just read the question about the person who always has something negative to say about what is going wrong in their life. (“Not Your Therapist”). That was me four decades ago when a toxic relationship took over my life. Every conversation was about how bad he was treating me. My friend finally told me, “I love you as a friend and I want to spend time with you, but it hurts me to see how badly he treats you. Our conversation seems to revolve around him, and I can’t enable these conversations listening to your situation.”
After that, he said that if she started talking about him, he would change the subject and turn the conversation to something else. If I talked about him again, I’d try one more time. If he brought it up again, she would end the conversation quietly and politely. It only took him leaving the conversation once or twice to get his message. I stopped complaining about him and soon saw the light and broke up with him.My friend was kind, firm and really showed her friendship by taking care of me in this way.
– Good friend
Dear Friend: Kind but firm redirection is a great gesture. The best friends accompany us in the good times and in the chests. But I always appreciate a friend who knows me well enough to tell me, “I think you’re screwing up on this thing. Let’s pivot.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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