Dear Abby: I was recently informed that my teenage granddaughter is identifying as a boy. She has a male name she prefers and wants people to refer to her with the pronouns he/him. His parents support him, to some extent. His mother uses his preferred name and pronouns. Her father supports her with this name and pronouns at school and elsewhere, but at home, she will still use her birth name and pronouns. He seems to have told her this, and she accepts the situation.
My wife agrees with the child’s father. Me too, but I want to maintain a relationship with my granddaughter. In the past, we’ve mostly communicated via text or mail. I haven’t seen her in person in many years, except for a short visit during COVID. I want her to know that I love her and hope she has a wonderful future, but I am incredibly sad about this situation. How can I reach her? what do i say
— In conflict in Oklahoma
Dear Conflict: Contact your grandchild as usual, by text or email using their preferred name. Instead of being “sad,” rejoice that he is able to authentically express who he really is.
There is a lot of discrimination against transgender people of all ages, so keep letting your grandchild know that he is loved and accepted by his grandparents. If you want more information on how to reach a level of better understanding, an organization called PFLAG may be helpful. You can visit it at pflag.org.
Dear Abby: I got married at 27 because I was careless and got her pregnant. We now have three adult children and a 16-year-old. I haven’t been happy, but I told myself that when the kids are on their own, I’ll move on.
Well, I recently met someone. She is a divorcee and we have met a few times. She invited me to live with her, but when I told her I couldn’t, she moved out of state. I feel lost because we used to talk almost every day, and now he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m not mad at her; I’m angry with myself. Please help me deal with it.
— Looking in Ohio
Dear Seeker: You say you told yourself that when the kids were alone, you would move on. Did you share these thoughts with your wife? If you married her just to “legitimize” your firstborn, how did you end up a father of four? It could have been less if you had told him what you were thinking.
You mention that your little one is now 16 years old. This means that in two years he will be considered an adult. Any plans for college in the future? Will you support them until they turn 21?
One way to “deal with it” would be to kick yourself to the hilt on romance. I will also say this: the woman you got involved with has a good head on her shoulders and she showed it by walking away from you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or POBox 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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