Dear Eric: My brother and I have been estranged for decades, due to back-to-back “family incidents” that have piled up, unresolved, over the years.
A little over a year ago, I learned through a mutual friend that my brother has incurable cancer, the type that is hereditary and would put me at significantly high risk. I immediately booked an appointment with my doctor, which took four months. And then the tests that also took months to come back.
During this time, I anxiously awaited the results knowing that the cancer could be quietly developing in me. I was also upset that my brother and his family did not share this news with me so that I could get tested as soon as possible.
I felt his condition getting worse so I swallowed my pride and resentment and knocked on his door to visit. He calmly said he was “not interested” and that was that. I feel broken if it happens; Do I park and pay my respects to him knowing that his family chose not to give me a “warning” about the illness I may have? (I tested negative, but I need annual testing for the rest of my life.) I’m not sure that would be welcome. I also guess that unless my brother comes close to me, he wouldn’t want me to attend his funeral. what to do
— Alienated brother
Dear Brother: The stress you felt waiting for medical answers was terrible; I’m sorry you went through that. It was compounded by a sense of betrayal: how come they didn’t let you know? Now that you have the answers, try to unjam the two threads. Because they are separate stories.
While it would have been helpful for your brother to tell you about his diagnosis, it didn’t actually cause the stress. It didn’t create the genetic predisposition, nor did it tie up your doctor’s office for four months. I know you know this, but it’s easy for all of us to look for a place to put our anxiety. When we feel helpless, as medical uncertainties often make us feel, we want to blame someone or something. Try to free him from this guilt.
If you can, you will have a clearer view of what you will need in its passage.
This also relates to what you are doing with your pain now—because you already feel it—and what you will need to help you navigate the complicated relationship and emotions that arise later. Paying your respects may look like having a private memorial on your own or with your wife. It might look like spending a moment in nature to wish him the best on his journey and to forgive the things you couldn’t forgive yourself for in life.
You may also find that you want to go to their funeral when the time comes, but you have to be clear with yourself about who you are for. If you’re going to provide comfort to people who don’t want comfort from you, you’ll feel just as unsettled afterward.
Dear Eric: My sister lives out of state. When she calls, I feel so overwhelmed. The conversations are one-sided, all about her and her family. She complains a lot about her husband (who I’m starting to feel sorry for). She doesn’t do anything right and she also constantly complains about her family.
I find myself making excuses to talk to her after 10 or 15 minutes. I try to listen or change the subject, but I get really frustrated and overwhelmed. She currently has some medical conditions that make me avoid talking to her about it. Any advice on what I can do?
– Sunken ship
Dear Ship: Try to take control of your call schedule. Tell her you’re making an appointment, with a time limit, for when you’ll call her. Before you call, put yourself in a quiet space and make yourself comfortable. You can even write a list of things you want to talk about. Right now, it looks like he’s using you as a place to take out all his frustrations, so setting parameters will help protect you.
One of the things you should talk about is, well… what you feel comfortable talking about. If you don’t want to hear complaints, you can tell him so. “I know you’re going through a lot and need to vent, but it’s overwhelming me. If you want to talk about solutions, I can, but if not, can we change the subject?”
He might not have anything else on his mind right now, which is understandable. But you’ll be a better listener if you can define what your limits are and how you can show up better. Supporting our loved ones doesn’t always mean listening to every negative thought.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.