Dear Eric: I have a friend who is an angry and impatient driver. On a recent trip, he was the driver, and it was a very stressful experience for his passengers. He cursed the other drivers, slammed on the brakes, shouted loudly in the car.
He’s also the type of person who gets impatient with waiters, takes change out of a cashier’s hand, complains about parking, gets mad at too many people in a store, and gets very angry when asked to calm down . Usually, other members of our party try to ignore it or just say “it is who it is”, but after this last trip I’m wondering if you can give some suggestions on what we can say and how we can behave when we feel uncomfortable. with his behavior.
– Calm down Friend
Dear Calma: Respect, I don’t know why you are still friends with this person. This is not a lie for you. Rather, this person’s behavior is blatantly antisocial and worrisome. It’s hard to see an upside to friendship.
This may be the result of a psychological or emotional problem. If so, help is available if you accept it. Try to talk to him about it in a calm moment. Acknowledge his feelings (frustration, anger, etc.) while letting him know how his behavior is affecting those around him. “When [x] It happened, I felt scared/stressed/uncomfortable. It worries me, and I think it’s negatively affecting our friendship. When we are together, I want to feel [x] instead.”
You can also use this opportunity to set a non-negotiable limit to what you will be a party to. If you don’t feel safe getting into the car with your friend, say so. And follow that statement with action. Don’t get in the car.
If you think it’s inappropriate to treat servers rudely (which it is) and you won’t dine with him if he does, tell him that too. Urge him to talk to a professional, either through one-on-one counseling or in an anger management support group online or in person.
Maybe he doesn’t see his anger as a problem. Perhaps he will see it as a legitimate response to a world that has not lived up to his expectations. That is within his right, but his actions have repercussions and it is important to let him know about them and give him a chance to change.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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