Dear Eric: My younger sister is in her second year of college (her school is far from home). I’m a couple of years older than her, but we’re best friends. She just celebrated her first year with her boyfriend (the same age as her), whom she met the first week at school.
I love her boyfriend and support their relationship – he’s kind and funny. However, I am concerned about how quickly they have become emotionally dependent on each other. My sister doesn’t have many close friends, and when she started dating this guy, they quickly hit it off and started spending a lot of time together.
This has continued all year. They also both have mental health issues. At one point, my sister stayed with him more often than not in his bedroom for weeks. She missed classes to take care of him and even expressed to me that it really weighed on her.
This episode happened, but whenever he has come home to visit her, she has been very distraught at being away from him to the point where she has had panic attacks. He has a counselor and generally seems to be doing well. But I’m really afraid that this prevents him from branching out and making other friends/connections. I recently supported another friend of mine whose relationship started during the first month of college and ended shortly before graduation – his breakup was terrible. I don’t want my sister to go through this. what do i do
— Worried sister
Dear Sister: Shakespeare once wrote “true love’s course never ran well,” but so do less-than-perfect loves. While you can’t necessarily prevent your sister from experiencing pain or misfortune, you can be clear about your concerns and be unwavering in your support for her mental health.
It is worth mentioning that every love relationship is strengthened by healthy friendships. Hearing it non-judgmentally from someone you trust can help open your eyes. We often need mentors to help us understand how relationships should work.
Most of your focus should be on how aspects of the relationship affect your mental well-being. Ask about panic attacks. Are you discussing them with your counselor? Would it be helpful to talk to another mental health professional? Remind her that panic is not a byproduct of a healthy relationship and that help is available.
This may sound like you don’t approve of the relationship. She emphasizes that it’s not about her boyfriend, but about helping her find healthy structures for her life and effective treatment.
The unhealthy aspects of this may be related to maturity, but there are troubling signs that your sister and her boyfriend are not making use of the available resources to build a stable foundation. Talk to her about what you’re seeing and how she can take better care of herself and make the necessary changes.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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