Dear Eric: I have a nephew who is disrespectful and condescending to me. He has been since he was a little boy, but now he is over 30 years old. My husband and son tell me to always be the smartest person in the room and not take it personally. But I’m tired of it.
Last holiday season I promised to back off, gently and politely, but she did her condescending thing in front of a dozen family members and I was worried that even a polite Rebecca would sound mean, so I sat there and I took it in silence. as I have always done, and ever since I have felt like an evil. The holidays are coming again. How can I defend myself without turning the family against me?
– Angry aunt
Dear Aunt: I’m curious why the family would turn against you for talking. Are they bullies too? Or is it your doubt about how you feel you will be perceived? Part of bullying, sometimes, is convincing the bullied person that self-defense is rude, or socially unacceptable, or even the bullying itself. This can come from one person, or it can be a collective creation.
If your family would actually turn against you to say “please don’t talk to me like that” or something like that, they are actually already against you.
So you have nothing to lose by standing up for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but ask yourself if an environment where people are going to get mad at you for rejecting condescension is one that really supports you. There are ways to build trust, support and better communication. I find that holiday dinners aren’t usually the best places to go deep, but it’s never a bad time to set a boundary. Your husband and son can also support you in this.
One final thought: It’s actually okay to be mean to disrespect. It doesn’t seem like anything you’d say rises to that level. But even if the polite reprimand turns into a semi-polite reprimand, you’ll still be right.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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