Dear Annie: I have struggled with several chronic health issues for over a decade, often leaving me tired, in pain, or with my memory. However, due to my age (early 20’s), I am often laughed at or dismissed if I bring it up.
It doesn’t come from my family, friends or close co-workers, thankfully. They are all compassionate people who know my health issues at least to some degree, and understand that if I say I’m having a rough day, it’s not me complaining. I’m just honest and often manage expectations about what I might do that day. And it’s not like I’m proclaiming to the world, “I’m the one the majority tired! No one has ever felt pain like I have!” It’s the interactions with people I don’t know well, or often complete strangers who listen and crack up with, “Oh, you’re absolutely too young for ax/y/z! Just wait until . . .”
It angers me to the point of being livid. I’ve discouraged people by not asking for their opinion and not engaging in conversations they weren’t invited to. I have explained in great detail what I deal with until they are embarrassed and mumbling sheepish apologies. I have argued with people who think that everything I deal with is still “not enough” to be tired/painful/forgotten because of my age.
Why can’t someone just say, “Yeah, today is a little rough” and have the people around them empathize instead of judge if they can actually claim they’re having a bad day or not? What do I say to people who laugh at me and say, “Oh, you’re too young to be tired. When you have kids, you’ll be tired!”? Or random people who hear me say I’m not having a good time day and decide to give their two cents or are they really trying to scold me for “being dramatic”?I don’t need people to feel sorry for me or try to help me “fix” my problems.I just want to be able to say how I am that day without having to disclose my health history or justify my answer.
It’s gotten to the point where I just default to telling even those I’m close to “I’m cool!” when we are in public or with people I don’t know. I don’t think I should lie, especially to people I care about. Any ideas on how I can respond to people who insist I’m “too young”?
– Not too young
Dear Not Too Young: People’s preconceived ideas about what you “should” feel are not your responsibility. Comments like, “You’re too young to have health problems” come from ignorance and lack of understanding.
That said, it’s worth thinking about what you hope to achieve by sharing your health struggles. Your personal health is private and really only matters to you, your doctors, and your close friends and family. Sharing it widely can invite a range of responses, many of which may not be helpful or supportive.
I am so sorry to hear about your health challenges and the pain they are causing you. At any age, you deserve compassion from others and, most importantly, from yourself.
Remember that sometimes the best answer is no answer. Put your well-being first and protect your energy.
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