Dear Eric: I have a constant disagreement with my very polite and polite husband. When we enter a place together (restaurant, store, etc.), he opens the door/elevator door to let me through and then holds the door open for at least two or three people and sometimes large groups of people to enter . in front of him
Then he follows them, and I’m way ahead of him. So I often stand by/wait or move forward/wait.
For example, I often wait for a while at the hostess stand of a restaurant while he goes to the same place. I would appreciate being by his side when we enter a venue. It also feels awkward to wait for him in these situations. Should courtesy require you to hold the door/hold the elevator door open for strangers or move forward with your wife so we can enter together?
— Ways
Dear Manners: His politeness is so extreme that he has become rude to you again. One wonders how far he is willing to take this. At a certain point, one stops being a nice random guy and becomes the volunteer doorman at a restaurant.
If he keeps holding the door for groups following you, you can refuse entry without him, stand next to him while he’s holding the door, and the two of you could become doormen of the restaurant together. Perhaps this act of polite “solidarity” will show him the modality of moderation.
Dear Eric: I play Mahjong with seniors several times a week at a local Barnes & Noble. One day our group needed two tables, and one table had things sitting on it, along with a backpack on the floor with no one around. I moved it to the table next door because we needed that specific size table and there were many other open tables around us.
When the young man finally returned, I apologized and said, “Sorry to move your things, but we needed that table and you were nowhere to be found.” Then she told me it was rude to touch her stuff. Many of the women agreed with him, so I wonder if I was wrong.
But the way I see it, you can’t wait for someone to reserve a table and then walk around for an hour without expecting anyone to want the table. Also, many times I’ve come early and sat at a table to “reserve” it and never left my stuff there waiting for someone to move it if they needed the table. what do you think
– Game rules
Dear Rules: I don’t think you should have touched someone else’s belongings. Cafes, bookstores and gathering spaces can be easier to do when it comes to seating. But the general rule is that if your stuff is on the table, it means you intend to get back to where you left it. Your need for the table did not replace their need. It would have been better to get another table until he came back, and then ask him to move.
That said, if he’s really been gone for an hour, it’s rude of him to camp out on a table. Everyone here could have made a more informed and community minded choice.
Dear Eric: One of my neighbors and I have taken a long walk (about five miles) most Saturday mornings since the pandemic. We both enjoy the exercise and the company.
Recently, another woman, who also lives in the neighborhood, has expressed her desire to accompany us on these walks. We’ve both decided that we don’t enjoy this woman’s company enough to spend a couple of hours a week with her. We don’t know how to blow her up without offending her. Any ideas on what we could say to him that wouldn’t be cruel but still get the message across?
— Leave
Dear Walk Off: Since this is a tradition that goes back several years, it’s only fair to tell the third neighbor that you and your friend have come to appreciate this special moment together and would rather keep it. Even if you’re not talking about deeply personal matters during your walks, you’ve established a rhythm and a relationship that would be changed by adding someone else. Maybe your neighbor is not thinking about this aspect. Sure, it might seem like a click, but you’re not obligated to respond to every person who’s invited to your plans.
If you feel like socializing with her in smaller doses, suggest a shorter walk or a different activity on another day, if you have time. But it’s not cruel to say that this is something special that you and your friend planned together, and that you value it for what it is. Your neighbor can accept it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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