For everyone dreaming of Christmas camp, here it comes: Mariah Meets Rylan. Our Rylan Clark, the not born a reality TV star, the Essex boy and the nation’s guncle (“gay uncle” for those of you who couldn’t put down the vibe, even though he still warmed to it) in the orbit of the biggest star in the firmament of his time, Mariah. Carey; she has a five-octave voice, multiple music awards, singer and songwriter, author of 220m records and counting and an all-around amazing talent.
Rylan was overwhelmed. Mariah is… less so. They sit opposite each other in distinctive cheap-looking cream cowhide bracelets for a remarkable chat to mark the 30th anniversary of her mega hit All I Want for Christmas is You. He is energetic, funny – even witty when he gets the chance – and clearly a true worshiper. None of this is… Mariah is sitting – royal, what do I need to say? — in one of the cheap chairs, the queen, ready to receive the face-clothes due from her subject, but so ungrateful that she quickly oversaw the horrible.
Rylan doesn’t worry about anything. Nothing. And my God, these are softball questions. There is no trouble or trouble here. Most of his answers sound like agreements that someone or something is “wonderful”. Some of them literally just sound like “Mmm”. He sits motionless, as if comatose with boredom – or, perhaps, in his head composing a letter of resignation to all involved, to sit in front of the cameras with this person Ronaldo or Rylance.
Sometimes the answers are longer, but nothing more significant. He asks Roland what he loved so much about music.
“It’s always been an escape for me. I just loved music in general.”
His first Christmas was a mixed album, wasn’t it? Yes. He wanted to do a version of Silent Night, but the Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) “isn’t technically an anthem.”
Did she really own Marilyn Monroe’s piano?
“There was an auction. And I got it from the auction.
Roger shows the picture among the artfully arranged talking points on the table. Is it with Miss Aretha?
“The whole story is about that,” says Mariah. It does not indicate Miss Franklin is “wonderful.”
Other non-revelations include that she and Whitney Houston were really good friends, that she loves the Goats (“part of who I am”) and the UK, and that she adored George Michael. She is also – make sure you sit down for this one – a big fan of Christmas.
There are just occasional – if inadvertent – glimpses of something almost revealing about a star. It was as if he had strayed from someone telling a story about Cruise going to the bathroom, where he came up with the germ of the song Hero. “I don’t care about the story,” he explains. He remembers Westlife, who came up with a version of Against All Odds (Look at Me Now). “They were great,” he said vaguely. “Really nice… I already sang the song but we had some parts together.”
But of course he loves his lambs! “The Lambily!” This is what his fans took to calling him after hearing his company refer to him as a nickname. “My lambs are amazing.”
At this point, Robert is working so hard that if Botox is still allowed, he’ll be sweating off his forehead. What a knight. In this regard, if I had been treated with such borderline contempt by someone whose sole purpose was to acknowledge with a smile and two anecdotes of the love life people had for their music around the world for three decades. he would have fixed that picture and went to LAX. But Rupert is harder stuff. He proceeds to flatter them both without a fuss, gives them nice gifts, demands that he show off his British accent (not a bad one), and sneaks an invitation to the Goats from her. He is exhausted and deserves a medal.
The only saving grace is that their interaction is interspersed with a long cycle of their videos and other performances – with Miss Franklin and Whitney Houston – that remind us of all that is deservedly revered.
The credits run through brief events from the interview, either explaining the material or proving that it really was the real Mariah Carey rather than an animatronic doll, as she pops up with a light tap or almost laughs in another case. But I would stick to the album if you were.